2.) This condom feels amazing
At the end when I couldn’t cum and I say its not your fault, it really is your fault

3.) I hate the fact you don’t have a gag reflex 
This one is a little self-explanatory. To put it frankly, there is truly nothing better in the world than a good throat fucking

4.) I don’t mind that your not putting out even though you’ve blown the entire hockey team
With that that amount of practice, this better be a top five bj

5.) Yea, I’d love to go down on you for 45 minutes
Eating pussy is just the repercussions of a small dick, but after 45 minutes no amount of Listerine will get that taste out of your mouth.

6.) I get a great night of sleep when your with me in my twin bed 
I would literally pay money for girls to leave after intercourse. I can’t tell you the amount of sleep I’ve lost from sleeping two in a twin. Three in a twin, however, is well worth the sacrifice.

7.) I don’t mind that you put on ten pounds over the winter
Get it right and keep it tight, chubby chasing is not part of my game unless the 10 pounds went straight to your ass or tits. I can work with it if that’s the case.

8.) I like her because she has an awesome personality
If a girl is somehow miraculously cooler than me, but if she’s not hot, I will not apply the cock, unless I’m working a street corner. If that’s the case, I’m pretty much down for anything. That’s right ladies, I can be bought.

9.) Hitting it from behind is the worst
If you run into a girl who doesn’t like taking it from behind, try inserting a pinky in the butt. Note: this probably won’t work, but the reactions are priceless.

10.) The looser the better
I know I’m working with some pretty average shit here but throwing a hotdog down a hallway gives me the same satisfaction as jerking off to handjob porn – it gets the job done but it doesn’t take away from the strange feeling of remorse after.

]]> http://flotauk.com/2013/05/22/ten-things-guys-never-say/feed/ 0 http://flotauk.com/2013/05/21/olivia-munn-has-become-a-flotauk-favorite/ http://flotauk.com/2013/05/21/olivia-munn-has-become-a-flotauk-favorite/#comments Tue, 21 May 2013 06:13:16 +0000 HBomb-IX http://flotauk.com/?p=2962 read more →]]> Here is a list of interesting facts that I took away from Olivia Munn’s interview with Esquire:

1. She rides motorcycles and owns two. 
2. She was fine going topless in magic mike as long as it gave the viewer the idea that she just fucked.
   
   Olivia Munn – topless Magic Mike by TheStart21
3. Olivia Munn has social anxiety and used to eat alone in her high school cafeteria like fucking Steven Glansburg
4. She doesn’t have a publicist. Editors Note: Probably would have come in handy when her nudies hit the web…
5. Wants to be a Studio Executive in 20 years and when asked how she was going to get there, jokingly responded, “Sleep with someone. if I could get Sue Naegle to sleep with me…”
6. When the waitress asked if she would like to take her leftovers to go following the interview she responded, “I would. I’m new money. I take shit to go.”Read more: Olivia Munn Interview Outtakes – Olivia Munn Interview – Esquire
   Follow us: @Esquiremag on Twitter | Esquire on Facebook
   Visit us at Esquire.com

What can we learn from this film?

1) If you’re going to cheat on your significant other, make sure he or she does not come home early.

2) If you’re playing the roll of the protagonist, be sure to pack an extra set of clothes in a backpack or shopping bag so that you are not left stranded in just boxers following a daring escape.

3) Choose a location that isn’t in such a public environment. As we can see from the film, firefighters attract a lot of attention, which makes becoming a YouTube sensation given the chain of events portrayed in this film nothing short of an inevitability.

Enjoy!

5. Nurse

And your girlfriend dressing up in a nurses outfit doesn’t count. There has not been one time in my life since about second grade I haven’t prayed every time I go to the Doctors that my nurse will bill checking my blood pressure and then all of a sudden just be like, you can get undressed now. My go to pick up line for making this a reality is, “I’m sick, but I think your the only medicine I need.” You’ll get a smile, maybe even a little giggle, but then she sees you’re there for an STD emergency check up and leaves.

4. Your Moms Friend

I ran this one by my friend and he said I was sick. But I think he has the gay so his opinion doesn’t really matter in this blog. How do you not have a crush on that one lady who is always at your house? Who has known you forever and every time she sees you now she says how big you’ve gotten and how handsome you are and how you must have a girlfriend. Nope, too busy thinking about you. I would drop names but the one I’m thinking of lives very close to me and her husband is a 300 pond body builder who might be a member of hells angels.

P.S. The caption on this picture? So objectifying.

3. Your Girlfriends Mom

Could have made it higher on the list but the two to cum have more than just sex going for them so they pull it through. Your girlfriends mom. If your girlfriend is a playground, her mom is six flags. Haven’t we all been in the situation where all of a sudden your alone with the mom and there is the awkward tension in the air. Like she obviously knowns what you’re doing with her daughter. But she’s also really self conscious because she’s a little past her prime and her husband doesn’t really appreciate her anymore so she is looking at you as a way to make her feel young again. I guaranty if we get a female fantasy list this would be on it.

2. Police woman

My plane is boarding so I’m gonna rush these two.

You get pulled over for going 87 which I think is a felony in CT. You’re going to jail for sure because your still a little drunk from the day before. But next think you know the person who pulled you over is a smokeshow of an officer. She gets her botton out and lifts your chin with it, then starts going down. Next thing you know, you’re in jail because you forgot you were also on acid and none of that was happening. But if it was…You would not only get with a lady of law enforcement who is probably a certified badass but also get out of a ticket. Yep.

1. Teacher

Teacher takes the 1 spot without question. Least original, yes, but that’s only because everybody has been fantasying about it since they hit puberty. Everyone at one point or another has wanted to have sex with a teacher. It has its own genre in porn. I don’t even need to paint out the situation but I will. You are obviously the  degenerate of the class but she is always nice to you. One day she tells you to stay after class. Says you’re gonna fail and probably have to do summer school or another year of college or whatever, you beg if there is anything you can do to fix it. Next thing you know…

It’s not even fair. You get it in and you get a better grade. #1 without question.

hat tip Golden Eaglez 

Right now its around 8:00 PM and I have a Computer Science exam in just over 12 hours and really should be studying and not looking at dumb shit on YouTube. (Pun Intended). At any rate, while I know many of you guys will be in crunch mode for the next week, just remember that things could be worse – you could be covered head to toe in cow shit.

Enjoy!

Anyway, I thought this video was pretty gnarly.

Enjoy!

Fjord Explorer, with the main man Connor Hickey, is probably one of the best indie performers out there. Comparable to the likes of Bon Iver, Ray Lamontagne, or even a little Iron and Wine, it’s sure to put you in a depressed mood for exam week. Listen up!

http://fjordexplorer.bandcamp.com/

Also, this is my cousins boyfriend, so if everyone listens up and gives good feedback and we make him famous, not only will it make my life easier in the long run, but I mean, springfest 2014…

Anyways, this sound was my favorite, check it out.

The New York Jets have traded star cornerback Darrelle Revis to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for the 13th overall pick in Thursday night’s draft and a conditional selection next year.

The Buccaneers announced the deal on Sunday, saying Revis agreed to a new six-year contract.

The deal is worth $96 million, making Revis the highest-paid defensive back in NFL history, but includes no guaranteed money, according to sources close to the Pro Bowl cornerback.

Even though I realized this trade was an inevitability months ago, I have to admit I’m still a little disappointed. I mean to be honest, we might as well just cancel our season. There are only a few things to look forward to now this season, that is, we have two first round draft picks, which will be good in the rebuilding process.

Also, we were able to keep Mark Sanchez – the only NFL player to make ESPN top ten highlights every week since November. (That was a joke if you couldn’t tell by the tone my voice.) At any rate, it’s safe to say being a jets fan for the next five years is really going to suck. Thanks a lot Tannenbaum, you dick head!